Min blog, mitt val.
Idag är mest depp. Orkar inte tänka typ. Så jag lägger upp lite jag skrev förra veckan. Det ska så småningom bli sammanhängande och en bra historia, kanske lämna på Engelskan. Får se. Jag ändrade namnen lite, för det blir mindre pinsamt då. Jag borde typ inte visat den här för en viss person. Ångrar mig lite. Men men, det går över och jag glömmer det.
I always watch Mahealani when she sleeps. I know it sounds crazy, and it probably is, but there's nothing I love more than to see her in our bed, her hair unstraightened and her eyes closed, lacking even the remotest hint of make up. I know every inch of her sleeping body, from her head resting on her left arm, her fingertips gently touching her forehead, to her legs, pulled up in a fetal position. It's the only time that she's vulnerable, the only time that I get to see the real Mahealani, so different from the person she appears to be in the daytime. She doesn't know that I've been watching her like this ever since the first time I shared her bed; if she did she would tell me to cut it out. Beneath the surface she's really self conscious, which is something I've found out the hard way. However when she's sleeping, she's perfect. She's all I've ever wanted.
An unfamiliar sound makes me look up, and I see Mahea's baby daughter standing in the door, wearing pink puppy dog jammies and clutching a stuffed toy to her chest. She utters a word, a small "Mommy?" in a sleepy voice. I glance at Mahea, she's not moving an inch. Not that I expected her to, she's the heaviest sleeper I've ever encountered. I decide to let her sleep, she's had a long day and deserves to rest. Quietly I get out of bed and take Luana's hand.
"Sshh my little ladybug, we'll let me mommy sleep tonight" I say and lead her back into her bedroom. Not until I'm there, ready to tuck her in, do I realize what I'm doing. And that sickening urge comes over me, the urge that I've tried to suppress ever since I moved in. I look at her, and she's beautiful, a smaller, darker copy of her mother. And I tell myself that she wants to do this too, that that's the reason she entered the bedroom. A little girl in pink puppy dog jammies. Thoughtfully I watch her as she climbs into bed, and I think to myself that she wants this as much as I do, she really does. Forgive us our trespasses, I think as I sit down next to her and run my fingers through her hair.
Luana is quiet this morning, as per usual after a night like this. She's on the floor playing half-heartedly with some stuffed toys, still in her jammies. Mahea doesn't notice the unusual quietness in her daughter as she is busy with morning preparations. She's always at least half an hour behind in schedule.
"Keawe, could you get Luana ready for me? I'm so late!" Mahea confirms my assessment, and I notice Luana shooting a scared glance at me before meeting her mother's gaze. I feel flustered, and I vow to myself that this will never ever happen again. This was the last time. To prove this to Luana, I nod and gesture for her to come with me.
"Come on my little ladybug, we'll get you ready in a jiffy" I say, walking toward her bedroom. She follows me silently, her eyes glued to the floor. I pick out a reasonable outfit from her closet and hold it out to her, as a gift of friendship. She looks up, her eyes pleading with me. I smile reassuringly at her and pat her shoulder. But when her shirt comes off, I can't help but touch her tiny belly. My little ladybug.
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It's the third time this week that I've felt the cold steel against my upper thigh. I have to keep a close track of every mark, I'm not sure why, but I know that it's crucial to the process. In the back of my head I always hear the same words replaying over and over again, a sort of soundtrack to the self-mutilation. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between the echo and my mind.
"Luana Ku'ulei Kahananui, you are getting on my last nerve!" I look up, startled, like a deer caught in the headlights. I'd completely forgotten about mom being home, she rarely is these days. Quickly I fix my pants and hide the tiny piece of steel. The next second my door is swung open by a hurricane, also known as my mother.
"Mom!" I object, seeing as this is my room and I should have the privilege of deciding who may or may not enter.
"Don't ?mom' me. What's this?!" Uh oh, the yellow detention slips, very neatly signed with her name. The problem is, I signed them myself. I probably shouldn't have left those in my Spanish homework.
"Um..." I say cleverly.
"Um? UM?! Why the hell haven't I seen these before? Why are they signed with MY signature?!" Mom's pretty much freaking out, but as long as she's not resorting to violence I'm not scared. In fact, these days I'm rarely scared at all. "Well... I thought I'd save you the trouble."
"Oh you did, did you? Nice try Luana, you might as well forget about the party tonight." And with that she slams the door shut, the yellow pieces of paper falling silently to the floor. I don't move an inch to pick them up, I'm not too concerned with detention, nor am I with being grounded. Mom will be going to work in a few hours anyway, and I'll easily be able to take on the part as "the wahine that Jared fucked last night". If it feels this good to be used, then fucking use me up.
Funderar på att skolka lite imorgon. Jag ligger fett mycket före i Franskan så jag behöver egentligen inte gå dit, och på Svenskan kommer ändå alla inte hinna redovisa. Vore skönt att sova lite (sen jag slutade med en av mina mediciner cold turkey har jag lite knepiga whitdrawal syndrom. Och nej, jag är inte allmänt oansvarig och sådär, det är så att min medicin tog slut faktiskt :P). Sov tolv timmar natten till igår,sedan några timmar på eftermiddagen, sedan tolv timmar natten till idag. Det känns inte riktigt sådär rätt, men det funkar.
Vi ska väl åka till Thailand i January, kan bli kul! Beror på vart vi ska, och var vi ska bo, men hell, bara man får komma bort lite är det skönt! I really need a breakkkk! Två veckor kvar nu till höstlov, då kommer Marinka hem! Shit vad skumt det kommer att bli att se henne, hon har förändrats otroligt mycket de här två månaderna. Det kommer bli väldigt konstigt... Men men, det ska bli väldigt kul att träffa henne igen! Stina borde väl också komma hem igen snart, annars får jag åka till henne. Åååh jag hatar att dom har flyttat :( My bffs! Fan, förutom Elenka var det bara dom jag hängde med förra året nästan! Kan lugnt säga att jag känner mig ensam i år. Det är bara Piano & I ;) Och gitarren och stereon såklart. Synd bara på naglarna, jag är den enda tjejen i klassen med korta omanikyrerade naglar typ.
Han ignorerar det jag säger, låtsas om han inte hör.
(Jag är fortvarande inte gjort av plast)
